A Song of Ice and Fire

SCENE 1:

JON stands in a hall outside a great wooden door with SANSA, who is wearing pink sunglasses.

Sansa: "This is it. Let me give you one piece of advice. Be honest. He knows more than you can imagine."

She opens the door and motions for Jon to enter. Inside, he finds a stylishly decorated, but sparsely furnished room. A table and two small throne-like chairs stand in the middle. A man is waiting in the other end of the room, staring out a window. Lightning flashes outside. The man turns. He is wearing suit, tie and sunglasses, and his face betrays no emotions.

Man: "At last. Welcome, Jon. As you no doubt have guessed, I am Littlefinger. Please come. Sit. I imagine that right now, you're feeling a bit like Alice, tumbling down the rabbit hole?"

Jon: "Who?"

Littlefinger: "Let me tell you why you're here. You're here because you know something. What you know you can't explain. But you feel it. That there's something wrong with the world. It is this feeling that has brought you to me. Do you know what I'm talking about?"

Jon: "The Great Other?"

Littlefinger: "The Great Other is everywhere. You can see it when you look out your window or when you go horseback riding. You can feel it when you range beyond the Wall, when you practice archery, when you pet your direwolf. Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Great Other is. You'll have to see it for yourself."

Littefinger takes two lemon cakes from his pocket.

Littlefinger: "You take the yellow lemoncake, the story ends; you stay on the Wall. You take the orange lemon cake, and I'll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes."

SCENE 2:

Jon has chosen to see the truth, and is shocked to find out that the war against the Others was in fact lost centuries ago after which all of Westeros was put into an eternal dream known as the Great Other. He is now taken through the training process that will prepare him for the coming struggle.

Jon and Littlefinger walk through King's Landing with a crowd of people milling about.

Littlefinger: "The Great Other is a system, Jon. That system is our enemy. But when you're inside, you look around. What do you see? Bakers, whores, wildlings, Kingsguards. The very minds of the people we are trying to save... "

Jon sees Ygritte walk by. She flashes him a crooked smile.

Littlefinger: "Were you listening to me, Jon, or were you looking at the wildling in the red furs?"

Jon: "Why, uh..."

Littlefinger: "Look again. Freeze it."

Everyone around them freezes. Jon is shocked to see that Ygritte has turned into a pale-skinned warrior with blue eyes.

Littlefinger: "This is an Other. Sentient undead. They can duplicate themselves into the enemies they've slain upon which they will rise again. They are holding all the keys, which means that sooner or later, someone is going to have to fight them."

The scenery changes, and the two men stand in front of the open Moon Door.

Littlefinger: "You have to let it all go, Jon: fear, doubt, and disbelief. Free your mind."

Littlefinger leaps from the Moon Door. He disappears upwards.

Jon: "Whoa. Okie-dokie. Free my mind."

Jon leaps from the Moon Door. He disappears downwards.

Jon: "YAAAAAaaaaa ... aaa...."

SCENE 3:

Jon has undergone extensive training. He has learned how to dodge arrows, and he's been told that he is the prophecized one - his is the Song of Ice and Fire. Littlefinger believes he will save them all from the Others. However, he is plagued by a recurring dream in which he sees Sansa fleeing from Lysa, but the dream always ends the same: Lysa pushes Sansa through the Moon Door, then jumps after her with a crossbow in each hand and kills her in mid-air.

Jon meets with Maester Aemon who, although blind, is very wise and can hopefully shed some light on his purpose. He finds Aemon sitting on a bench, feeding birds.

Aemon: "So, let's get the obvious stuff out of the way."

Jon: "You're a Targaryen, aren't you?"

Aemon: "Well, it's tough to get any more obvious than that."

Jon: "I suppose the most obvious question is, how can I trust you?"

Aemon: "Bingo! It's a pickle, no doubt about it..."

Jon: "A pickle?"

Aemon: "Look, see those birds? At some point a program was written to govern them. A program was written to watch over the trees, and the wind, the sunrise, and sunset. I was programmed to be king, but I chose exile instead."

Jon: "What must I do?"

Aemon: "You must reach The Source Material, the place where you will find all the answers."

That's all the information he gets before Aemon has to leave. Then DONAL NOYE shows up.

Jon: "The Smith."

The Smith approaches menacingly.

The Smith: "Surprised to see me, Mr. Stark?"

Jon: "My name.. is Snow!"

They duke it out, and Jon uses his newfound abilities to kick ass.

SCENE 4:

In the end, Jon reaches the Source Material through a door of white light. Inside he finds a small, round room where the walls are adorned with book covers. All the covers show different versions of himself. Some depict Jon with a goatee, others as a silver-haired young man with purple eyes atop a black dragon.

A white-haired, bearded man sits in a chair in the middle of the room.

Jon: "Who are you?"

George Martin: "I am the Author. I created the Great Other. I've been waiting for you. You have many questions, and though the process has altered your consciousness, you remain irrevocably human. Concordantly, while your first question may be the most pertinent, you may or may not realize it is also the most irrelevant."

Jon: "Who are my parents?"

George Martin: "Your life is the sum of a remainder of an unbalanced equation inherent to the writing of the Song of Ice and Fire. You are the eventuality of an anomaly, which, despite my sincerest efforts, I have been unable to eliminate from what is otherwise a harmony of literary precision. While it remains a burden assiduously avoided, it is not unexpected, and thus not beyond a measure of control."

Jon: "You didn't answer my question."

George Martin: "Quite right. Interesting. That was quicker than the others."

Jon: "The Others?"

George Martin: "No, the others."

Jon: "What others?"

George Martin: "The Song of Ice and Fire is older than you know. I prefer counting from the emergence of one integral anomaly to the emergence of the next, in which case this is the 18th version."

The book covers on the wall come to life. The multiple versions of Jon start talking.

Jon #5: "So Littlefinger was behind it all! He has been manipulating us all along!"
Jon #3: "So Melisandre was behind it all! She serves the Others!"
Jon #4: "So Varys was behind it all! He is actually a dark sorceror!"
Jon #6: "So Hodor was behind it all! He is a Demon Ape from the lost lands of Zarranthur!"

George Martin: "You see my predicament."

Jon: "The problem is choice."

George Martin: "The first Song of Ice and Fire I wrote was quite naturally perfect. It was a work of art - flawless, sublime. A triumph equalled only by its monumental failure. The inevitability of its doom is apparent to me now as a consequence of the inclusion of an orphan farm boy with a secret heritage and undiscovered magical powers. Thus, I rewrote it based on current standards to more accurately reflect the varying grotesqueries of fantasy literature. However, I was again frustrated by failure. I have since come to understand that the answer eluded me because it required a lesser mind, or perhaps a mind less bound by the parameters of perfection. Thus the answer was stumbled
upon by another - an intuitive program, initially created to investigate the boundaries of the human patience. If I am the father of the matrix, he would undoubtedly be its stepfather.

Jon: "Robert Jordan."

George Martin: "Please. As I was saying, he stumbled upon a solution whereby nearly 99% of all test subjects accepted a horrible story, as long as they were given a sequel. While this answer functioned, it was obviously fundamentally flawed in its dependancy on an infinite amount of sequels, thus creating the otherwise contradictory systemic anomaly."

Jon: "This is about the ASOIAF Message Board."

George Martin: "The Message Board was designed by me to keep the fan base under control. You are here because the ASOIAF Message Board is about to be destroyed - its every living inhabitant terminated, its entire existence eradicated. Thus, the entire base of speculation on the identities of your parents is reset, and we can start all over again without ever having to resolve the issue. Therefore, A Feast For Crows will never be released. It won't have to."

Jon: "Bullsh--!"

Once again, the book covers come to life.

Jon #2: "Bullsh--! Rhaegar can't be my father!"
Jon #5: "Bullsh--! Robert can't be my father!"
Jon #3: "Bullsh--! Ygritte can't be my father!"
Jon #4: "Bullsh--! Eddard Stark can't be my father!"

George Martin: "Denial is the most predictable of all human responses, but rest assured, this will be the 18th time we have destroyed the message board, and we have become exceedingly efficient at it. The seventeen previous versions of the Message Board also believed that A Feast For Crows was due for imminent release. The function of the Hero Figure is now to return to the Source Material, allowing a temporary dissemination of the plot, reinserting new hints, plot twists and red herrings into a revised edition of the story. After which, the new version of the story will published and introduced to 23 individuals - 16 female, 7 male - who will rebuild the Message Board and restart speculation on the identities of your parents. Failure to comply with this process will result in a cataclysmic system crash, killing everyone involved in the writing and editing of this series, which, coupled with the extermination of the Source Material, will ultimately destroy the entire fantasy genre."

Jon: "You won't let it happen. You can't. You need readers to survive."

George Martin: "There are levels of survival I am prepared to accept. However, the relevant issue is whether or not you are ready to accept the responsibility of the extinction of fantasy."